Friday, June 17, 2011

Day 1: Norfolk Tides; Norfolk, VA. Racing Wine Bottles, Fried Snickers, and our First Usher Encounter

Well that was a fun 3.5 hour drive that turned into a 5.5 hour drive. For those of you that didn't already know, northern Virginia is the nexus of Traffic Satan.

But there was the proverbial pot of gold at the end of this trafficular rainbow: my co-pilot Ben and our first Minor League stop, the Norfolk Tides in Norfolk, VA.

We began our evening with the finest dining experience Virginia Beach has to offer. Oh yes, boys and girls, I'm talking about the International Super Buffet Dynasty With Mongolian B-B-Q!

Now, it was every bit as delicious as you might expect, but...well, let me just show you a picture of my first plate of food and beverage. 10 blog points to the first person that can tell me what's horribly wrong here. 

Baseball review after the jump.

Our ratings for the Norfolk Tides are below, as well as here. We've added a couple metrics per your suggestions and our own revisions, and our funniest high and lowlights are listed first.

1.) FRIED. SNICKERS. Like licking the face of God.

2.) The Pittsburgh Pirate Parrot at a contest between Orioles and Mets minor league squads? I mean, I'm not complaining...especially when he played Santa Claus and had a Hooters Girl come out of his bag as the "wish" of the third kid that sat on his lap. Keep it classy, Norfolk!

3.) This exchange between Ben and a Sno-Cone vendor:
Ben: What flavor is the blue one?
Vendor (16 year old kid): raspberry.
Ben: Wait, is that a thing?
Vendor: Huh?
Ben: Blue raspberries? Do those exist?

Priceless. The kid looked completely dumbstruck.

4.) The beer vendor in our section. "I've got ice cold beer here! And, uh...*looks down* wine, too! I didn't know how to work that in. Ice cold beer here!!" Wine in your seat? And it's CHEAPER than the beer? Oh mama. NOW we're talkin'.

5.) Wait. Whoa. STOP! Are those...are those racing WINE BOTTLES in the 6th inning? Why yes! Yes they are! Eat your heart out, Presidents and Sausages. GO, PINOT GRIGIO, GO! That is not one of the things I thought I'd have a chance to shout in my life.

6.) The crowd. 9,016 people? Is there really nothing else to do around here on a Friday night?

The usher that kicked us out of the section one over from us because it was "Special Reserved." It was the same price as our tickets but 80% empty. All we wanted was more legroom. Just another example of the Small Airport Phenomenon(TM): The smaller the airport, the tighter security is because the SOBs have nothing else to do.

Regularly Scheduled Metrics:

Price of Beer
5.5 pts: 2 oz free sample + $7.75 for 24 oz -> min. $4.52 for 16 fl oz. Shout-out for the local  pale ale (O'Connor's) they had on tap at one of the booths, though. Delicious, and a major bargain at just a quarter more than...*shudder* Bud.

Most Caloric Concession Item
4 pts: Fried Snickers bar. I can feel it in my veins.

Minor League Personalities
4 pts: Local celebrity? Check. Thanks, Bob from Bob's Storage! The Drunk? Check, and he was also the Minor League Diehard. I'm tempted to take away points for being 2 rows behind us, but it would be unfair to punish him for my sobriety. Little League Team? Check, but minus 2 points because they were named The Phillies. Teenagers on a Date AND Family Out for a Nice Night Together? Check at once, just a row in front of us. Ahhhh, Friday night in Norfolk. Remind me never to live here.

Willingness to Give Random Bloggers Free Seats

0 pts: Didn't see anyone.

Funniest Roster Name
2 pts: A weak showing, but honorable mentions for Valentino Pascucci and Josh Bell (whose intro music was, of course, Hell's Bells)

Promotion Quality
6 pts: Free 2 oz of Budweiser, an appetizer at Joe's Crab Shack (x3) AND a Tides car magnet? Call me a converted fan!

0 pts: On the plus side, the Tides don't even need a special occasion to have a stadium White Out.

Men's Room
0 pts: Where am I, a major league stadium? Pretentious clowns.

Bonus points
+5 for the wine vendor, +2 for the wine races, +1 for Simpsons clip on the video screen, +3 for the giant naval guns firing on the video screen after a homerun, +10 for Fried Snickers presence, +3 for Hooters Girl hugging an 8-year old, +2 for a moonwalk on the concourse, +1 for a banner hung from the stadium that reads "The Tides Are In" for home games

Total: 48.5

Final take: There was nothing especially WRONG with this one. Several of the elements were phenomenal, but it didn't come together into a full game experience. Ben and I give it a 6.5/10.


  1. Is that a lemon in your Carona?! For shame, my brother, for shame...

    What do I win?

  2. Lemon in the Corona... I see someone already beat me to it. Also is Ben a tranny? Cuz that's the only reason I'd see a tranny-chaser like you calling him a "pot of gold."

    And might I suggest using this html script formula to have your links open in new tabs? "a href="" target="blank">busy<>s.

    Finally any chance of getting rid of that fucking IP tracker that always pops up when I open this page? For some reason it says I live in southwest DeKalb.

  3. Yes, a lemon. 10 points for Thias. I blame the Chinese.

    Removed the tracker. Thought it would show OUR location, not yours. That's kinda pointless, then.

    To be fair, I was calling the game the pot of gold. Ben's more like the irritating leprechaun who has to tag along with his precious, precious gold.

  4. And here I was gonna guess that the egg roll was filled with chili. Wichita? Man...