Saturday, July 9, 2011

Day 22: Objectivity gives way to Braves and Real Beds

No goofy roadside stuff today, as we are both staying with our folks in the ATL. If you want to know about fun stuff in Atlanta, then, uh, check the internet. Here. This looks promising.

So, after things like free food, naps, laundry, and other sundry facts of life, we took our dads (and Joe and his dad) to Gwinnett to see the Braves AAA team.
If you read our Rome review, you probably have a pretty good idea of how this review is going to go as well, but here are the highlights:

1. The most brutal, mocking videos after Charlotte outs. We were first tipped off to this when Gwinnett recorded its first strikeout. Imagine hearing this every time you do something wrong at work.
2. Celebrity appearance from Martin Prado. On rehab from staph infection, he got 2 singles, a walk, and an RBI. We like Martin.
3. An error that wasn’t. You can only be charged with an error if you touch the ball and then blow the play. If 3 different players converge on a pop up, all thinking that someone else will catch it, and then let it drop, it counts as a hit and is charged against the pitcher.
4. Coach interference. A Knights’ runner ran smack dab into his 3rd base coach and the coach seemed to try to stop him from going home. Result: runner out. It looked like Prado was the one who pointed it out, too.
5. Zach gets a T-Shirt from an air gun. Ben would’ve gotten it, had he seen it before it careened through his haplessly extended hands.
6. Braves Win. G-Braves, at least. The A-Braves still have Scott Proctor on their team.
7. Yet another Throw The Cheese Colored Beanbags on the Burger Colored Tarp promotion.
8. Promotion was about something called 12Stone. It was a church thing that I’m too lazy to look up.
9. Lastings Millege played in the game. Not often we see someone who has 5 years major league experience playing down here when not on a rehab assignment. Although Ben did see Dontrelle Willis in Norfolk earlier in the spring.
10. Best Mullet Ever. Sucker was below the shoulder. And you could see the guys gut protruding from under his shirt. Alas, our hands were full of hot dogs and beer and no one could take a picture.
11. Fireworks again! There were loud noises and shiny, colored lights. You know the deal.
12. Chopper the Groundhog had the biggest rictus smile we’ve seen. He also got into an argument with a fan that wasn’t clapping with him, badgering him with personal claps and eventually flicking his stub tail at him.
13. Tomahawk Chop was in abundance. Still not as robust as a comeback at the Ted, but whatcha gonna do.
14. Tyler Flowers, the guy the Braves traded to Chicago for a year of Javier Vasquez, was abysmal behind the plate, with ugly stops and a throwing error. Zach’s most used heckle of the trip: Your job is CATCHER! From the English: TO CATCH!.
15. Still no one laughs at Zach’s “DEBIT” or “CASH ONLY” cries after the “CHARGE” theme. Kudos to Meg in Chicago, the only person in the history of ever to be amused by the joke.
16. Ratty grounds keeping makes the infield grass look like it has mange. This is good bonus points for “diversity”
17. Snazzy, new park. No troughs.
18. What is it with foamy beer in Georgia? We held up the hot dog line, because we kept getting trapped gaseous particles instead of a beverage. C’mon Georgia Kegs!
19. We were surprised to see that a majority of Gwinnett’s roster was actually older than us. We haven’t kept precise numbers thus far, but we’re willing to bet that this hasn’t happened more than a couple of times before.
20. Other ex-Braves included Diory Hernandez, Brandon Hicks, and Ruben Gotay. Career minor leaguer JC Boscan was present and did not play. Nor did we see Julio Teheran or Mike Minor, just measly old Erik Cordier.

Biased Metrics
Beer: 5 points, give or take. We weren’t really in the mood to do actual math.
Concession Item: 6 points. And another for having both a Braves Dog and a Georgia Dog.
Minor League Personalities: 6 points Local Celebrity (Martin Prado), Minor League Diehard (we count now, right?), Major League Fans (clearly, given the reception Prado got), Drunkard, Teenagers on a date, Families (uh, I guess we count for this one too?)
Bloggers Free Seats: No, but, again, Braves.
Tailgating: 4 points. Not St. Paul, but there did seem to be grass spots specifically designed for tailgating.
Funniest Name: 3 points. I guess Lastings Milledge. But he’s been high profile, so it’s not as funny.
Promotion: 2 points. It existed.
Diversity: 1 point. Pasty white crowd. Lousy grounds keeping.
Men’s Room: 3 points. Surprisingly better than Rome.
Bonus Points: 90 for name recognition. 70 for the old players. 1 point for each foam particle they poured from our beer. 878709879 for the Chop. 413231421342 for Mullet Man. 13487094317 for Just Read the Highlights so I don’t Have to Type Everything Else Out.
Final Score: Lots. Go Braves.

Well, that concludes the road trip. Stay tuned for some sort of summary of the trip in the next few days. Stay Scrappy.

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