Thursday, July 7, 2011

Day 20. Lexington, KY: In Which Our Heroes Exchange One Small White Ball for Another, OR God Taketh Away (Baseball), And Giveth Back (Mini Golf), OR How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Mini Golf

If it's one thing religion is really useful for, it's as a scapegoat to abdicate your own responsibilities. So, God punished the Scrappy Journeymen today by causing Zach to forget - in and amongst the hundreds of details you have to work out to make a roadtrip like this click smoothly, it turns out - to check the time of the game in Lexington today.

Consequence: we left Elyria (25 miles west of Cleveland) right as the Legends game was starting. Since the technology for teleportation doesn't exist yet, this was a problem.

Yet when Allah closes a door, he/she/ze/it is supposed to open a window, right? So over lunch at a Wendy's, Ben and I decided to check over the Roadside America maps for Ohio and Kentucky between our location and the hotel we'd already booked in Lexington. What we saw caused us to salivate even more than my lunch.

We drove 2.5 hours to stop outside Waynesville, OH at the Silver Spur Western Shop, where I donned my cowboy hat and went inside to take a look at the biggest collection of western boots and huge Texas belt buckles I'd ever seen. But what we really came for was outside the store: one of the best advertisements I've ever seen:
When I die, I want my ashes to be carried in either this or a clown car to whatever cannon you guys are going to fire them out of.

We then doubled-back across I-71 to the even littler town of Blanchester for a visit to the World's Largest Horseshoe Crab. It's outside a creationist church and is supposed to represent the overwhelming evidence against evolution. I mean, c'mon, it looks exactly like a trilobite! Therefore, evolution NEVER HAPPENED, doy.

Say what you want about their beliefs, there's no denying that is one big goddamn crab.

You can take a nap inside the crab. Really nice on a hot day like this one.

The structure was part of a larger Scripture Garden.

I'll give them this: they're proud of their status. And they appeared in Twilight: Eclipse! So, to recap: evolution, bullshit. Vampires and werewolves? Toooootally legit.
YES! What would a creationist scripture garden be without DINOSAURS?!

We then made the burn for Lexington, where we saw an indication that Lexington might be the biggest party town ever.
To be fair, it would be better if their water tower were a red Solo cup. But still.

Then we checked into our hotel and jetted across town for the highlight of today's activities, and a true gift from Providence: Bible-Themed Mini-Golf!!!!

It's not ninjas, a way, isn't Jeebus the ultimate Ninja? Anyway, Ben and I were both kind of expecting...well, a crappy run-down course with mostly squares. Ben suggested there would be 10 identical holes representing the 10 Commandments. Basically, we expected Praiseland.

What we got was honestly maybe the most well-engineered mini-golf course I've ever played. Or at least the most sadistic. Basically, there were 3 courses, and each reflected the personality of its reference. The first course we played was New Testament, home to a loving God! This course was fun and not at all horrible.
Oh ho, I get it! The designs of the holes reflected their names, and each one had a Bible verse on it. In this case, though, it's not love: it's Newtonian physics. Tomato, tomahto, right?
"The Upper Room." Admittedly, I haven't seen any course designs like this...well, ever. Points for originality.
It's an F! You know, for Faith? You dig?

After the New Testament love fest, we decided to test our luck with the Old Testament. Which, true to that crusty and malicious OT God, was unrelentingly cruel. Naturally, I loved this course.
Your one respite comes on hole 7, obviously representing the Sabbath Day. It's a par 1, and is slanted so you can't miss the hole.
Hole 9, Noah's Ark: Up a steep ramp and around an impossible angle. Good luck getting it in for the par 2 (duh!).
God's most kind invention? The six stroke limit for holes like No. 11, Jacob's Ladder. Those hills are arranged like steps, so the slightest variation off the target momentum sends the ball careening back at you, or tumbling down from on top.
I had Ben stand next to No. 13: Mt. Sinai so you could get a sense of scale. The hole is diabolically constructed so the momentum needed to get up the hill tends to cause your ball to bounce over the drain hole up top. Even if you get it in that hole, it's 50/50 that the drain drops your ball in the actual hole on the backside of the mountain. I got this in about 23 strokes.
On Hole No. 18, a whale eats you. Just like Jonah.

Then we moved on to our third and last course of the evening, Miracles. This one was kind of in between the other two. I guess Jeebus could be a real hard-ass sometimes?
Hole No. 3: Parting the Red Sea. Well, what else would you expect from a Biblical literalist?
Hole No. 5: The Plague of Blood. They just inverted this hole for No. 11: Water to Wine.
No. 16: The Burning Bush. After everything we'd seen already, I was kinda hoping for real fire.

Anyway, that's our day. No baseball to report, folks. Sorry! I really, really did want to see the Legends. But, c'est la vie, or whatever the traitors say. Anyway, homeward bound tomorrow!

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