Day Last: Tennessee Smokies defeat Jackson Generals 5-4. The only Ten I See is Legos.

This was supposed to be the longest and worst day of the trip, what with having to drive from Bluefield to Knoxville, then watch a whole game, then drive from there back to Atlanta to our exhausted beds.  But bad weather worked in our favor by giving us an earlier start time in Knoxville due to it being a make-up game from an earlier rainout.  Plus it was a double header, so we got to watch the entire 7 inning game before heading home. 

The only problem was that they were a Cubs affiliate and boy did they ever look like one.

http://www.milb.com/images/0/5/6/98848056/Presser_Banner_No_Slogan_2dk4r6to.jpg

LAZY Metrics:  0/10.  Cubs.

Day 7, West Virginia Power: Please, Make the Animal Puns Stop!

We began our day awakening in Morgantown, just in time to see the sun rise across the ballpark a few hundred feet away. Then we spent several hours lounging around and debating where to get breakfast (Zach’s insistence of Buffalo Wild Wings was nixed 3-1) before finally settling on Bob Evans. Now if you’ve never been to a Bob Evans, it’s effectively a Cracker Barrel. If you’ve never been to Cracker Barrel…good job, actually.

Anyway, we all agreed that the Bob Evans seemed to have better food than Cracker Barrel, and we were marginally less certain of its right-wing lunacy. Ben and Pat got eggs shaped like a bowl filled with sausage and cheese and ‘taters, which were solid. Zach got a bacon cheeseburger with an egg and some sriracha mayo whatnottery, which was quite good. Ray got something with vegetables that’s not worth commenting upon.

After this your journeymen decided to undo some of the damage by swinging over to Cooper’s Rock State Park, where we walked out on a big rock and faced another huge hole (gorge) that Ray refused to jump in because whatever.

Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME, Ray?

We then did a mile and a half hike up and down cliffs and over some rocks that Zach did with sandals and everyone but Ray did without water because we are alpha males, and gray wolves don’t use sandals or water bottles, do they?

We then decided to combat our dehydration with some Coal Country Mini Golf in the blazing sun. Ray pulled out a late victory, but that’s not important. The holes were all built in and around coal mining machinery, with educational plaques explaining what each one was. The course definitely seemed to prioritize incorporation of the equipment over playability. Oh, and also most holes were on a steep grade because the thing was built into a mountain.

Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME, ball?

P.S. That fan was rotating, and if you hit the blades...you were pretty much chopped. 

Then we got into Charleston, checked into our hotel, and walked through the first finishers of a 5K to Appalachian Power Park, home of the West Virginia Power.

Day 6: The West Virginia Black Bears Take On Our Namesake

West Virginia Black Bears vs Mahoning Valley Scrappers

With over half the trip under our collective belts, we packed up and hit the road again.  After a brief stop at the International House of Pancakes, Zach found us a Putt Putt course on the way to West Virginia.  Turns out this Putt Putt has a wacky course in addition to their two standard courses.  With Pat on his short game, he won the day, with Zach also coming out ahead in beers owed (our new road trip currency since Pat won’t share his Kroner).  Ray almost needed a trip to the ER courtesy of the IHOP breakfast and the heat of the day star, but, not wanting to tarnish the name his first year, he scrapped through.

Zach used the weather vane direction to play the wind perfectly on this shot.

Since we had some spare time, Zach talked up The Beehive Café in Pittsburgh that was pretty much on the way.  Regaling us with stories of antique pinball machines, we braved the Pittsburgh traffic, many bridges, and crazy road designs, only to find the store had downsized since he was last there.  Alas, with no pinball to soothe their weary spirits, the Journeymen found a delicious taqueria to refuel and continued to West Virginia.  This was Ray’s first time being in both Pennsylvania and West Virginia which prompted a retelling of everyone’s state checklists (Zach proved to be the most well-traveled of us at 46!). 

Pat had his Pinball Wizard soundtrack all set too. Thanks a lot Beehive, you made Pat sad.  

Just before the hotel we saw the future of mass transit (of course it was shut down for repair though) in Morgantown, West Virginia.  The Morgantown Personal Rapid Transit system shuttles people around in small pods to their chosen destination along tracks.  Heartbroken we didn’t get to experience it, we made our way to the hotel, which was a very nice Courtyard Marriot. Thank you West Virginia cost of living! The best part, though: we were right across the street from Monongalia County Park (ask Zach and Ben how to pronounce that) and had a great view of the stadium from our rooms. We still left for the dangerous journey across the parking lot to the game, though.

Day 5: Akron Rubber Ducks beat Erie Sea Wolves 6-5: You done messed up A-Akron!

Having gotten our fill of Major League Baseball, we left Greater Cincinnati (population: approx. 2 million), drove through Greater Columbus (population: approx. 2 million) and finished up just south of Greater Cleveland (population: approx. 2 million) in the bouncy little city of Akron, OH.  In Columbus, Zach took his gambling methadone swig and drove us into a casino, where we all wiled away the minutes surrounded by the type of people that go to a casino at 11AM on a Wednesday. 

The, as we had a bit of time to kill, we hit up some World’s Largest Things.  The former headquarters of the Longaberger Basket Company is shaped like a giant picnic basket, though it looks as though it’s been picked clean.  At the Longaberger Homestead, there is the largest apple basket, which is made from actual basket instead of concrete.  The apples, however, were less real than we had hoped.

The basket is almost as big as the pothole this man cheerfully drove us through on the Longaberger homestead

From the designated viewing area, the handles look like the McDonalds golden arches.  Mmm, McDonalds (give us advertising money?)

This picture says less about the basket and more about Pat

And if we weren’t basket cases enough, we decided to go completely cuckoo by visiting the world’s largest Cuckoo Clock in Sugar Creek, OH.  On the half and on the hour a small mechanical band comes out of the doors and plays for the little Dutch girl to dance circles around the boy.  The Sugar Creek area also had the highest concentration of Amish that we have seen on any trip.  If only they would make the Amish Independent Baseball League.

We took an Uber to the ballpark and were regaled with the down low about every strip joint and prostitution motel in the Akron area.  At first we thought the driver was being tongue-in-cheek and was poking fun at a recent fare he had picked up.  But as the ride continued, it seemed more like he was advertising for these establishments.  He kept on waiting for enthusiastic agreement when he made comments like “Women shouldn’t play football unless it’s in lingerie” despite Zach educating us all on various legitimate women’s professional football leagues he’s encountered in his work.

But enough of gender politics.  Time to see some fit, athletic young men get economically exploited by their bosses for the entertainment of the detached masses.

Day 4, Cincinnati Reds: Bible Golf and also Major League Baseball

On the seventh day, the Lord rested. On the fourth day, the Scrappy Journeymen played mini-golf. We set out from Lexington with the singular purpose of playing fifty-four holes of Bible-themed mini-golf at Lexington Ice Center and Miniature Golf, possibly holiest (and hole-iest) golfing facility in the country. But first, that we may feed our bodies as well as our souls, we headed to Waffle House. And lo, there were waffles, bacon, and hash browns (scattered, smothered, and chunked), and it was good. Even burdened with so many carbs, we arrived at mini-golf fifteen minutes early and milled about forlornly until they opened. We also worked out stakes, as gambling on sports is holy in the eyes of the Lord.

Each of the three courses has its own theme -- Old Testament, New Testament, and Miracles -- and each hole is inspired by a specific Bible verse which is posted by the tee. The interpretations range from the fanciful to the extremely literal, including a three-foot-tall "Mount Sinai" that you must shoot into the top of, and a walk-on "Noah's Ark" that your ball must board via a ramp to reach the hole inside. Despite the unusual theme, it's a very well-done set of courses, with a variety of obstacles, chutes, water features, and slopes. For the most part these manage to be challenging but fair, though we did have some trouble with our tee shots bouncing out of the course, and in some cases miraculously bouncing back onto the course. I should also mention here that yours truly won two of the three courses, earning myself three free beers (a trinity?) in the process.

Ray and Ben wait to take their shots at Mt. Sinai.

The front ramp and cabin of Noah's Ark.

Jonah's Whale with the lookout tower in the background.

The, er, high point of the New Testament course is a small church-like building with a tower that overlooks the whole facility.

With the Lord's work done, we headed on to Cincinnati for our trip's only major-league interlude. After passing by the famous "FLORENCE Y'ALL" water tower and crossing the Ohio River into... Ohio, we parked and ambled along the river to Great American Ballpark. They even let us in, courtesy of some absurd chicanery involving my phone being out of storage and the MLB ticket site not handling "+" characters in email correctly -- anyway, the tickets got onto my phone in the end, so no harm was done. From the upper deck behind home plate, we had a gorgeous view of the river and the John A. Roebling Bridge, and a tolerable view of the action on the field. That action turned out to be fairly lively, as The Reds and the Brewers combined for seven home runs in an 8-6 win for Cincinnati. Billy Hamilton led off the first with a rare home run, just his second of the year, and Adam Duvall hit one of his own as the Reds jumped out to a 4-0 lead. Milwaukee responded in kind, scoring five runs off of three homers in the second and third, but the Reds tied it at 5 in the bottom of the third and then took the lead for good on Joey Votto's two-run shot in the fifth. Along the way, we were treated to some minor-league-quality baserunning. In the top of the 1st, Scott Schebler and Devin Mesoraco both found themselves trying to occupy second base after the throw home went awry on Mesoraco's RBI single. Schebler gave himself up after a short, confused rundown, which you can see here.

Great American seems fairly well laid out, with wide concourses offering more views of the Ohio River and downtown Cincinnati, though somewhat limited views of the field. Beer selection was good, with a number of unique local brews, though at absurd prices. This is a major-league park after all. Food options were a little less varied than we've come to expect from an MLB stadium. It trades heavily on Cincinnati's reputation as "Porkopolis". I had a bratwurst that was quite good, Ben ate something called a "hot mett" which he found acceptable, and Ray's barbecue pulled chicken was too dry -- a disappointing showing this close to the South. On another note, the Reds seem to put an emphasis on parents of young children, with a well-marked changing area and a special fan club for expecting mothers. We guess it can't hurt to get fans on board early -- from birth, if need be. All told, while Cincinnati may not quite make it into the top tier of MLB parks, it's still a great place to watch a game.

If you look closely, this Reds batter is missing his bat. Can you find it?

Final Score: N/A, not in our jurisdiction. What do we look like, some guys who go on a road trip to rate fancy expensive baseball?

Zach caught this string of coal barges heading slowly upriver during the game. It's a metaphor for something probably.